HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

My dad and I spent the day with my mom and several other members of my family. We shared a nice meal and spent some quality time together. It was a relatively uneventful day.

There was a little drama in my inbox, though. Today, I read the first negative feedback I’ve gotten on this blog (in response to the other day’s entry). Because it is more an anonymous personal attack than a critique of my writing, I am tempted to ignore the critic or to pen some witty retort (Like, “Do you work for Hallmark? Is that why you’re so mad?”) In the end, I’ve chosen a third option. I will address each aspect of the attack to sort it out so I can dismiss it/learn from it. (Don’t expect me to do this again. This blog's written as monologues not dialogues, for the most part. But today, I thought, “Why not?”) So, here goes:

“Your point is that you couldn't find a card that simply said ‘You're a great dad.’”

You oversimplify my point.

“You are a liar.”

In the sense that all men (apart from Christ) are liars, this accusation is true. However, I did not knowingly write any falsehoods in the blog entry in question.

“I almost doubt you even went and shopped for a damned father's day card.”

If I were going to sensationalize my life, wouldn’t I create experiences more compelling than running an errand?

“If you did, you had made up your mind to write this inane "any-person-usa" blog entry long long before you picked up the card.”

I don’t think of myself as qualifying as a spokesman for “Any-Person-USA.” I hear he/she has a good job with benefits, a nice home, a spouse, and 2.5 kids. I don’t have any of those, so why would I presume to speak for that demographic?

“What on earth did you think you'd accomplish by saying what you said in this entry? Just stop. Next time stop and think to yourself ‘so what?’"

What did I hope to accomplish by writing this entry? This question is the only helpful criticism you offered. I do need to consciously consider my purpose in writing while I compose these entries. I’ll try to do better with that. I suppose my reason, in retrospect, was to work through a frustrating experience so it wouldn’t just be an unhappy memory.

I didn’t like the fact that every card I found held my father up to ideals that he couldn’t meet. It hit a nerve. The more I shopped, the more I started to feel angry and like a failure because I couldn’t find the “right” card to suit our relationship. I moved back in with my parents this year, and I’ve started to worry that I’m disappointing my father, on some level, because I’m not 100% financially independent. The self-doubt is just one aspect of some hefty depression I’ve been battling. Each card was an invitation to feel disappointed in my Dad and in myself. And I knew that if I handed one of those cards to him on Sunday, that he would open the envelope, read the card, and be disappointed, too.

Other people’s high expectations for me are part of a lifestyle that led to this depression. So why would I want to subject my Dad to anything like that? I was mad at the world for putting me on a pedestal and then pushing me off of it, and I took it out on the cards, OK? It was easy to come home and say, “It’s that the cards stink.” You are free to disagree. Maybe you think I couldn’t find a suitable card because my Dad and I are losers. That’s what the cards would have you believe.

But, back to the original question. The primary reason I’m writing here is to try to socially reconnect myself mentally to the outside world – reaching out in a way that feels safe. I’ve been fighting feelings of isolation. But the blog lets me have some human contact and introduces me to new people – like you.

“Look at the last line of your penultimate paragraph, you start to bring up a good point about the nature of the cards you did find. Why didn't you explore this more in the rest of your entry?”

I was tired and wanted to go to bed.

“Instead you handed us pure unadulterated blandness.”

My blog is purposefully mundane. Here's part of why I write this thing – the reason I analyze my everyday activities here - it helps me maintain some sense of normalcy in my topsy-turvy life. I’ve been through several traumatic experiences recently that have made my life feel fragmented, so I want someplace to piece together and reflect on the normal things in my life. They are few and far between – but they are there, a little each day. I embrace the blandness and showcase it here! If you want something exciting, go elsewhere. I’ve had enough excitement this year.

“Next thing you know, you will be telling us that ‘there is no light at the end of the tunnel.’”

How fatalistic! Isn’t that statement exactly the opposite of “unadulterated blandness?”

“Just stop. Pause. Rethink. Adapt. React. Readapt. Apt.”

Huh?