AFTERMATH

I never dreamed that the damage would be this bad. My town is gone. It looks like a nuclear bomb hit it. My apartment building is destroyed. The city has no power, water, sewage or gasoline. There's a curfew from 7 to 7. Officially, the roads are blocked for everyone but official vehicles, but the authorities are letting people leave.

My roommate Terry and his girlfriend Jo are both trapped. The only way to contact them is text messaging. They are begging to be rescued; they don't have enough gas to leave. There is a shortage of gas here-all over. There are no gas containers either. People are raising the prices to $30 for a 5-gallon plastic gas can! I found a stash of 1-gallon containers at a hardware store and bought 50 of them. I'm planning on going down Monday if they will open the roads. I'll check the damage at the apartment and bring Terry enough gas to get out of there.

I don't know where I'm going to live and work now. The estimates say it will be months before we have working power and sewage/water. That means I'll have to move. I'm looking at options, probably somewhere close to family. My top three are Birmingham AL, Oxford MS, and Ruston LA. Or should I move to Japan and teach English? Maybe I can do that when I'm debt free.

My brother Steve is a National Guardsman. He was sent to watch over the refugees at the Superdome. They are being moved, and Steve is being outfitted with a machine gun and armor to patrol the streets of New Orleans. His kids are freaked. He's too old to be doing that, they think. He gave us a 30 second phone call to tell us what he would be doing. He said he would be in New Orleans doing that for at least a month, and that we should not expect any communication with him during that time. What's the deal with that? Even soldiers during the world wars had mail. How are we supposed to manage his finances without being able to talk with him again? And a cop and a guardsman have already been shot. Rescue workers were crying into their phones and refusing to land helicopters because they were scared of the people with guns. That's what Steve is facing? Why aren't they sending in young federal troops to assist and relieve them?

And why haven't they started fund raising to help the poor people who have lost everything and have no other way of getting help? What's going on with the president and congress? The governors can't do this by themselves? I want more on the news about relief efforts.

I'm wondering what to do about my bills. How do I cancel utilities and my rental agreement in the middle of this mess, and can they still try to hold me to them? The credit card gave me two months of no payments and zero interest til '07 on new purchases made from now til December. That offer surprised me.

I think my best bet would be to move into my brother's house in Louisiana while he is gone and to try to get a job teaching in Ruston. Tons of refugee children from Southern LA are enrolling and will need teachers. At least I could get get a full time sub position.

I just keep thinking of the life I had on the Coast and how it would be impossible for me to live there now. No dinner at Gregg's next week. No running with Algernon in the morning. No biking with Chris and Wendy. No church on Wednesday night or homegroup on Tuesday. No field trip to the museum with my class. No camping with Josh and Rachel next month. No living with Terry and helping him and Jo with the wedding. No getting to know Ryan. No dance class. No auditions for plays. No festivals in Ocean Springs. No hockey games with Brice. No shopping. No late night dinners at Mary Mahoney's. No walks on the beach. No cooking waffles for Terry or making milkshakes for Jo. No Christmas party for the class. No spring break trip. No games and cookies with Chris & Katie. No shared laughs with Christen....maybe never again. Oh God, where is Christen?

It's like I just died, or at least a part of me did...and I don't have time to grieve. Even if I could take the time to grieve, other people are determined not to let me do so. I feel so helpless anyway, and at the mercy of others' good graces and well-intentioned but unwanted words of advice and glib "wisdom." They haven't ever been through anything like this, so I wish they'd just be quiet and give me some space - and allow me to make my own decisions about what I have to do next.

I am scared about Christen Wirth. She and her mom refused to leave their house on Oceanview. Terry said their house is not there anymore. It washed into the ocean. They are missing, maybe dead, and the Red Cross won't let me put them on the missing persons' list because I'm not a family member. How stupid is that? They don't have any family members to report them missing. Bureaucracy is from the pit of hell and only hurts people. Damn their paperwork and procedures. I can't find my friend and Terry and I are the closest thing she had to family who are here and who can ask somebody to find them! I don't even remember her Dad's first name. How am I supposed to find him so he can put her on the list? How is he - all the way in Colorado - supposed to know that she is missing and report her?

Seeing the overhead footage of the destruction only reminded me of all the happy memories I have of living on the coast for the past 8 years. Burying myself and Chris and Terry in the sand in our tuxedos. Wishing that night I could live in the beach house - and then moving in there with Terry a year later. Jason waking me up at the crack of dawn to eat French toast - scaring me to death bangin on my windows. The cookout with fireworks and bonfire when I met Josh and his dog. Being in Josh and Rachel's wedding. Teaching with Erinne. The road trips with Terry and Jo and Kristen and...Christina. Visiting Terry at the Fire Station. Visiting Jesse at the Fire Station. Going to Marine Life with Alan - and saying goodbye to my life in Hattiesburg that weekend. Dating Chris...for better or for worse. Trying to get to know the enigma that is Ken Tims. Helping John write his Valedictory speech. Cooking Thanksgiving dinner for my parents at the beach house. Trying to help Richie. Friendship with Billy D. My secret crush on Bridgette. Early morning donuts at Tato Nut. Hockey and football with Rob. Running with Casey. Running with Algernon. Steak dinners at Captain Al's with Chris Creel. Working out with Jerry. Living with Jack and Sandee. Living with Josh and - God help me - Casey and Warren and Tony and Jesse (and Teddy) and Matt. Teaching with Kim. Acting with Ryan. Eating Paul's King cakes. Teaching Zeke, Elizabeth, and Alyssa. I love the Coast. I love its people. And when I finally realize that, I still know I have to leave and start over. But, where?