A BURGER BY ANY OTHER NAME

I heard my surname more times during my first year of teaching than I had during the previous years of my life combined. The students whined it every few minutes, and with each request I hated the sound of my own name more. The effect was so nerve-wracking that my own last name began to echo in my waking thoughts and to haunt my dreams.

One day I had finally had enough of the students’ calling. I wrote my name on the board and crossed through it. “This is no longer my name,” I instructed. From now on, my new name is, “Here’s five dollars.” Use my new name in place of the old one. For example, if you need to borrow an eraser, you will now address me in this way: “Here’s five dollars, can I borrow an eraser?” If you need the bathroom pass, you should say, “Here’s five dollars, can I have the pass?”

The new name only lasted for a day, but it broke the strain of hearing my real name repeated so frequently. The nightmares stopped and my sense of humor returned.

That wasn't the first time work had given me funny dreams. For my first job, I did a stint at the local fast food dive the summer after my high school senior year. I had a girlfriend and dates to support, so I worked a lot of hours. After the first few weeks, I started dreaming about taking people's orders. Then one morning, when the alarm clock rang, instead of rolling over to turn it off, I woke up saying, "May I take your order?"