WHEN I GROW UP

I was doing some mental housecleaning today, and just look what I found in one corner of my mind! I can barely remember where I got them. If I try hard enough, I can almost make them fit. Would you like to try them on for size?

"When I grow up I'm going to live in an antique-filled, white colonial with a picked fence, green shutters, and window boxes. A hall tree, piled high with umbrellas and scarves, will sit in the entry near the stairs. In the living room next to the stone fireplace and in front of the double bay window, will be a grand piano - the piano my wife will play every day. Her name will be Christina, and we will have five children: Christopher, Elizabeth, Rachel, Sarah, and Isaac (Zeke). [One of them will grow up to be Mayor of our town, or Governor, or even President of the United States.] I will ride my bike to work at the University every weekday morning. In the summers, I'll write books. I will also edit a journal. Christina will write books too, when she's not writing music - and she and I will own our own publishing company. My wife will always beat me in golf, but I will keep trying to beat her at it. Somehow, we will find time to give great dinner parties! We'll have a big back yard, with plenty of room for our dog and cat. And every night I'll tell my children stories about my youth, when I had nothing better to do at night than dream of them and their mother."

"When I grow up I'm going to live in a loft apartment downtown. It will be an industrial brick-boxed space with exposed pipes and lots of story-high windows. All our furniture will be modern and well-designed. A corner of the living area will be dedicated to my wife, Molly's paintings. She'll run a gallery on the first floor, opening it after she sells her restaurant and bakery. Sometimes, she'll display some of my photographs in the gallery. She thinks a lot more of my photography than I do. Next to my darkroom, I'll have one room of the apartment set up as a studio where I can record songs when the inspiration hits me. Mostly, I will record Molly's songs. I like them better than mine. I will run marathons. Molly will try to teach me to swim. We will play tennis together. We'll have three adopted children, Benjamin and Gabriel - from Russia, and little Beth - from China. [One of them will grow up and discover a cure for a dreadful disease! One of them will win the third grade spelling bee! One will never stop gazing at the stars! We will be very proud of all three of them!] We will have a rooftop garden where we grow organic vegetables. Once a month, we'll open the gallery at night for poets and singer-songwriters to share their work. Our building will be the hub of the new downtown renaissance. We will edit the local arts magazine. Our guest room will always be a place where our friends - mostly designers, artists, actors, and writers - can crash for a weekor two - soaking in the creative inspiration. Because our building doesn't allow pets, we will "adopt" one of the walruses at the local zoo, and at Ben's request, we will visit him one Saturday a month for almost a year! We will spend the summers camping or traveling and learning new languages. We will never be bored and will turn parts of the house into natural museums or broadway stages on rainy Saturdays or potentially dull Tuesday nights. At night, the children will tell me stories about their dreams and what they think life will be like when they grow up."

"When I grow up I will live in a small bungalow in sunny California. I will produce and perform in a children's television show. I will market a related line of curriculum and educational toys and software. Because of the show's popularity, I will be able to go beyond writing for educational journals, and will be asked to write articles about education for popular magazines and newspapers, eventually using my influence to start a grass-roots movement that will revolutionize the American educational system. When I retire from entertainment/education, I will run for and win a state political office. My wife, Rebecca, and I will moonlight as ballroom dancers. Rebecca will be a dance instructor and will eventually own a chain of studios featuring her own highly successful teaching methods. She will serve on the board of directors of a local school of the arts. She and I will record CD's together, and will use some of the money from their sales to help produce local theatrical productions. Our children will not be very interested in theater or singing, but both our son and daughter will be patient with their "wacky parents." [Chuck will grow up to be a banker. Becky will insist on being called Rebecca after she breaks into the world of fashion design.] For our thirtieth anniversary, my wife and I will finally take the trip to Europe that we've been promising ourselves."

"When i grow up i will sell everything i own and live in a schoolbus in the woods of Alabama. After living like a hermit for three years, i will get a job teaching English in China. As i move across my new homeland, i will travel light - living out of my backpack - because i like living that way. i will own three cars and fifteen bicycles in my lifetime. i will never marry. Though i have no children of my own, i will encounter many young men and women who will grow to think of me like a dad. i will find real fulfillment in missionary work. When i finally learn to play, i will discover that i do like to play chess - and that it's a great way to bridge language barriers. i will grow a big beard and wear the clothes that my family back in America sends to me. i will wear flip flops almost every day; sometimes I will wear no shoes at all. i will write books about my experiences as a missionary, so that future men and women can gain strength and encouragement from the lessons i learn. i will learn a lot from the Chinese! i will occasionally reflect on the life i might have lived had i stayed in America, and i will laugh with joy because of how much i love my life in China. i will never stop missing Taco Bell. On the day that i die, i will not know the network TV line-up."

What will you be when you grow up?

FAMILY TIES

Sarah, my sister, and her family came down to see the play. Spending time with them cheered me up. It's amazing what a little quality time can do for the soul. I didn't realize how empty my "love tank" was until they started hugging and kissing me. When was the last time anybody did that? Toward the end of the day, when I left Sa's family and went to the performance, the other actors noticed my raised spirits and asked, "What have you been drinking? Why are you so happy today?" I had to admit that my better mood was just the result of some old-fashioned family time. I wonder if life will be like that when I have my own nuclear family.

CATCHPHRASE

Some of the guys from the musical pointed out my catchphrase, "That's funny." Now that I'm aware of the habit, I'm trying to break it. AAAHHHHH! Do you know how hard it is to keep yourself from saying a stupid catchphrase?